Dumb Things Tourists Do
This Page is mostly to make fun of tourists and the dumb things they do. We must remember, however, that many of us make our living off tourists so we have to appreciate them. If you're a tourist use these stories to make yourself smarter so we don't make fun of you. If you have a story about something dumb a tourist did to you please email it to us at news@birdinhandnews.com with tourist in the subject line.
Armed with cameras, maps, and misconceptions of the Amish and Mennonite way of life, they flood the county. Asking dumb questions and driving at the speed of turtles. And oh the dumb things they do.
Just yesterday I was sitting inside my house reading a book when someone knocked on my door. It was a British lady and she said with her annoying British accent that she's staying in the guest house next door. She asked if she could have some matches. I was so nice I turned my house upside down looking for some matches and sent her on her merry way. That's just a small example of what these people do.
Asians Scare Students
One stormy, rainy day in May in
The principal went and asked them what they were doing and they said they’re eating their lunch under the roof until the rain stops. I think they were just nosy tourists. I wonder if they didn’t know you’re supposed to stay in a vehicle during a storm. I wonder if they don’t have storms in
I yelled out the window and told them it’s Amish rain (they probably didn’t understand me beings I yelled in English) then I stood outside and watched them with my mouth hanging wide open. Then they left. Oh, first they stopped on the road for a full minute looking at a map. Yup, right in the middle of the road. True story. I don’t like tourist season. Contributed by Krista Kauffman, Smoketown.
Prius Tries To Run Over Van
A few days ago my family and I were driving down 772 in my Chevy van. We were headed to bible study and we were late. We were late because my wife was not ready when I wanted to leave. She's always late and that annoys me. But that's beside the point.
Anyway, we were moving good, when up ahead, a Toyota Prius pulled up to the road. It sat there for a little bit, and then it slowly pulled out in front of me. I had to slam on the brakes and our 3 year old fell off the seat. The car had Vermont plates and it went very slow. It had two bumper stickers. One said "Kerry Edwards" and the other said, "Save the Otters."
By then it was 7:25 and Bible Study started at 7:30. I began tailgating the tourist and my 5 children all told me to pass it. Unfortunately I couldn't because there was traffic coming the other way.
Finally there was a break in traffic and I whipped across the double yellow line to pass the Prius. The Prius then sped up. I slammed the gas pedal in as hard as I could and finally got past the horrid little car. All my children stuck their tongues out at the people in the car. The four big people in that Prius were heavier than the car.
After I passed the Prius, it tried to tailgate me, but my van left it in the dust and I got to Bible Study at 7:29. <Contributed by Ben (Last name withheld) Leola.
New Yorkers Run After Hay Baler
Last fall I was baling hay in my field east of Ronks. I was driving a team of 6 mules and it looked like rain. At least the farmers almanac said it was supposed to rain that day.
We were almost getting done when we saw a car driving across the hay field. I looked at the car in amazement because it was wierd to see it driving across my field. The car drove untill it was right in front of the team and then it stopped. I saw that it had New York License plates so I knew it must be a tourist.
A big fat man stumbled out of the car along with a big thin woman who was eating an ice cream cone and a yappy little dog ran out too. Two fat children stayed in the car. The fat man and woman stopped right in front of me and told me to stop. The man had a huge camera. I didn't want to stop so I kept going. The tourists got angry and started yelling at me but I didn't care. They took some pictures of my back and then they were gonna go. But they couldn't find their dog.
It ran right in front of the baler and I baled it into a bale of hay. when they heard a bale barking they knew the dog must be in there so they picked up the bale and put it into the car. Then they drove after me and threw all kinds of trash at me cuz they were mad at me. They said they'll never come back here again and I was glad.
Contributed by Abner King, Ronks.
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Writings of an Amish Mennonite Girl about Tourists and Amish 
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Amish in the City
June 7, 2007 - Last Week I was standing in Subway trying to order a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub. I was standing there trying to say “Sweet onion chicken teriyaki” under my breath because whenever I try to say it, the words come out wrong. But whenever I go to Subway I always order that sub because it’s the best.
I was standing there for awhile when I noticed the line was not moving. I looked around very angrily. Then I saw the problem. A skinny, old man and a funny looking woman were standing at the counter with a map. They were asking the workers for directions. I became very angry very fast because I saw they were tourists. Since I’m good with directions, I went up to them and asked where they wanted to go.
They turned to me and sighed. The skinny man said, “Can you help us?” This simple Mexican doesn’t know anything.” He pointed to a dark skinned boy behind the counter and the boy rattled of an angry row in Spanish.
I thought the skinny man was rude and dumb for holding up the Subway line. I asked where he and his funny looking (She looked like a cross between Vladimir Putin and Reba McIntire) wife wanted to go. He said they were looking for Amish Country.
Since I am a nice guy I started telling them how to get to Intercourse. Then I got an Idea, and although I’m not the Grinch, I got a wonderful, awful idea. I directed those two unlucky tourists right to the middle of the Hispanic section of
As I finally told the Mexican behind the counter about the Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub I wanted, I saw the couple driving slowly down the road. No doubt they are still driving up and down King Street trying to find that elusive Amish Country. (Contributed by Ray Lapp,
Tourists Cure Young Man's Tardiness
The other sunday I went to a local Amish Mennonite Church. Since I am a 19 year old boy who is slightly rebellious, I didn't go to Sunday School. I also didn't go to Sunday School because it's so boring. My teacher is a bore. I could teach better than him without studying. He is simple.
Anyway, I got to church after Sunday School and slunk into the back, trying to find a seat before my Dad saw me. I found a seat in the back row and hardly anyone saw me because they were singing.
Soon after I sat down a couple of people came stumbling into the church house. The man had white pants on and a striped shirt. His hair looked like something that went out of style 25 years ago. The woman was wearing something that Jackie Kennedy might have worn while she lived in the White house. I could immediately tell the people were tourists from New Jersey. I have an amazing talent of picking out tourists and the States they are from.
It just happened the congregation was kneeling for prayer when the couple came in, so everyone stared at them. When the couple saw everyone kneeling toward them they thought the people are saluting them, so they waved.
An usher quickly went to the tourist couple and helped them find a place to sit. The place they sat was right beside me and that greatly annoyed me. Not only did the woman smell like she came from New Jersey, she chose to sit on the men's side of the church. That was very annoying. In case you're a tourist and you're reading this. In Amish Mennonite churches, men sit on one side and women sit on the other. If I can't sit beside my wife (I'm still looking for one), why can you?
During the service I became more and more annoyed at the tourists because they were horrible singers, they whispered constantly and they couldn't hold still. It was so bad that I vowed never to go to church late again. From now on I will arrive early and sit on the boys bench so no tourists can sit beside me. If I sit on the boys bench I can also look at the girls across the aisle. That's another plus. Thank you for publishing my letter. It's the first time I was ever published and hope to write a book some day.
Contributed by David Lapp, Christiana
Tourist Jumps Five Amish Mennonite Girls
On Tuesday me and 4 of my friends were standing in Bird in Hand waiting on the bus when a man came walking toward us with a camera and an ice cream cone. He started talking to us so we pretended we don't know how to talk English. We talked Dutch to each other and made fun of him.
When he realized we were making fun of him he got very angry. He said, "I'm going to talk to your boss. You get paid to do this and this is the way you treat me."
We kept right on making fun of him and his fat face kept getting redder and redder. He took one final lick of his ice cream cone and then he threw it at me. I jumped out of the way and the cone hit a horse that was going by. The Amish man in the buggy got mad when the cone hit his horse so he took out his buggy whip and cracked the tourist across the rump. The tourist then started crying and ran across the road toward the Bird in Hand Family Restaurant where I'm sure he filled his fat belly with loads of chicken and mashed potatoes. Me and my friends are still laughing at that dumb man.
Contributed by Mary Beiler, Smoketown.
I'd like to compile a Photo Album of Tourists. So if you see any strang looking tourists or you see tourists doing strange things, turn the tables on them and take a picture of the tourists. If you send me the pictures I'll put them on the site. At the end of the summer whoever sent the best picture will get a prize