Old Sports
Floyd Landis Fights to Maintain His Innocence 5/05/07 (updated 5/16)
Charlie Daddy Needs to Go 4/14/2007
Landis Trial Turns Weird
Ex-Mennonite and ex-Tour de
He immediately revealed some shocking news that sent the Landis’s defense into a tailspin. He said that soon after Landis was accused of doping, he told Landis to come clean and it will be better for all involved. He then told Landis he had been sexually abused as a child. Very few people knew this.
On the night before Lemond testified someone called him pretending to be his uncle. The person alluded to the sexual abuse and said he would be in the courtroom the next day. Lemond broke down in tears as he spoke. He then said he had traced the phone number to Landis’s manager. When Landis’s Lawyers heard this, they fired the manager on the spot. Lemond alleged the call was a ploy by Landis’s camp to keep him quiet and Floyd later admitted to being with his manager when he made the call.
The USADA’s lawyers used the phone call to Lemond to prove that Landis is a bad guy. They spent very little time on scientific evidence and most of their time bashing Floyd’s character. Landis’s lawyers (one was a Chinese named Suh) tried to use scientific evidence to prove him innocent.
The hearing ended earlier this week. It’s estimated that Landis spent over $2 million on his defense and the USADA spent at least that much.
In light of the child abuse story birdinhandnews.com is thinking of withdrawing its support of the famous Mennonite. As of now we still think he’s innocent. The final verdict won’t be known for a few weeks. For more on Landis, see the LINKS at the top of the page.
Lancaster Barnstormers Open Season
Before the game the team was honored for winning the championship last year. All the players stood there and the ones who played last year got rings. Unfortunately there were only a few of the same players. Quincy Foster was back, along with Jeremy Todd but pretty much everyone else was gone. Former Major Leaguer and last year’s MVP, Danny Harriger, threw out the first pitch.
The team’s mascot, Cylo, ran around and looked stupid. Cylo is a bull who looks like a heifer. He is the dumbest looking Mascot ever to grace a ball field. During the game he takes long breaks in the break room and when he comes onto the field he tries to stir up the fans by dancing around. Fans held their breath on Friday night as Cylo the heifer almost fell over a few times.
The night was also used by local politicians running for election in Tuesday’s primary. “Uncle” Charlie Smithgall was seen walking around handing out free wieners and Heidi Wheaton sang a song.
When the game finally got started, fans cheered and roared and the Barnstormers beat the Road Warriors. The night was fun, the hot dogs were good, and Cylo looked dumb, but the skill level of the ball game was pretty low.
Most of the players are washed up old men who got tired of toiling in the minor leagues so they joined the Atlantic League, where the skill level is low. A few fans thought they could play better than the team, and a few more wondered why they didn’t go to the Phillies game to watch top level players perform.
The Barnstormers will play all summer. If you want to see great baseball, don’t go to the Clip, but if you want to have a fun night at a nice stadium with friends, eat some good cheap food, and make fun of the world’s dumbest mascot, you should check it out sometime. It’s also a great place to scope out little Mennonite couples and make fun of the guys as they try to slip their arms around their girlfriends.
For schedules and tickets visit lancasterbarnstormers.com. (Abe Glick, BIHN Sports)
Cylo walks around, trying not to fall over
Softball Tournament
The tournament was double elimination. When the Thrashers lost their first game they decided to go to another tournament. All the other teams thought that was dumb. The Bulldogs also left before they were out for some reason. The rest of the teams had a good time even though the fields were slightly muddy and the grass was wet. Eventually it warmed up. Players and fans alike, enjoyed the warm spring day as they played and cheered and ate hamburgers and hotdogs.
The Predators and Tribe were the hot teams of the day. They advanced to the semifinals and the Tribe won. This win put the Tribe into the final so they went up to their favorite shade tree and drank beer and hit a dummy that was hanging from a tree. The dummy looked like Bart Simpson and was wearing a Tribe jersey.
At the end of the day, the Outlaws advanced from the loser’s bracket and faced the Tribe in the Final. The Tribe took a 16-1 lead early in the game but the Outlaws battled back until the score was 17-16. Eventually the Tribe’s superior hitting and fielding skills prevailed and they won the game. By that time most of the players and fans were long gone. The few Amish and Mennonites who remained at the park thought it was strang the team who sat under the shade trees and drank beer won. But they did.
Both the Tribe and the Outlaws are not comprised of Amish or Mennonites, although there are some ex-Amish on the Outlaws. It was disappointing that no Amish or Mennonite teams could make it to the final. Maybe next time they’ll be more successful. (Abe Glick BIHN Sports)
Local Sports is covered on this page. Make sure you scroll all the way to bottom to see all the stories
Softball Tournament Held at
By Jim Stoltzfus
June 28, 2007
The Gap Softball League held its second tournament of the year on Saturday, June 23. The tournament consisted of 16 teams, most from the Gap League and a few from Intercourse. The tournament began at 8:00 on a beautiful summer day.
The Titans from Intercourse soon established themselves as the team to beat, winning their first two games by a combined score of 36-3. No one wanted to play them, but the all the teams who won eventually had to.
Before the tournament each team received a long list of complicated rules. Each batter would begin with a 1-1 count and teams were only allowed 5 homers. They would also be allowed to use a rabbit, something most teams never fully understood.
The tournament went well. All three fields were put into use. Teams dreaded playing on field 3, which has no fence. The infield was a mess and the outfield grass was very long.
The day’s most dramatic game was between The Tribe, a redneck English team, and the Longhorns, an Amish Mennonite team. The Tribe were leading the game by 8 runs when the Longhorns rallied to take a 17-13 lead in the bottom of the 6th inning. Then things got complicated. A clearly drunk man came out of the Tribe’s dugout and told the umpire that the Longhorns’ pitcher was no longer eligible to play. It had something to do with the use of the rabbit. The umpire just stood there and the Longhorns, who wanted to avoid confrontation, agreed to bring in a new pitcher. The Tribe then scored 8 runs and the Longhorns were unable to come back in the bottom of the 7th.
While the two teams were arguing, players from the Comanchees, Bulldogs, and Predators, stood outside the fence heckling the Tribe. The Tribe is not well liked in the Gap Softball League. After the game one member of the Tribe told some of the bystanders to meet him in the parking lot later that night. It is unclear if the meeting ever took place.
The Tribe then advanced to play the Cobras. They lost by one run and all the people who were watching cheered long and loud when a long fly ball (which would have won the game) fell a few feet short of the fence. The cheering went on for about a minute.
The Tribe then walked angrily out of their dugout and headed for the parking lot. One drunken man, however, started yelling insults toward the Amish. He said Amish kids party and drink and a few other things which aren’t fit to print here. One Amish boy then stood up to the man and told him he is offending a lot of people. The drunken man got all up in the Amish boy’s face and threatened to push him down a hill. A few of his sober teammates had to come restrain him.
After the altercation many people congratulated the Amish boy for putting the drunken Tribe in his place. The Tribe players went out to the parking lot and drank stuff out of red cups.
The Predators then met the Titans in the finals. The Titans won easily. After that everyone gathered on field 1 for a home run derby. About 30 players competed. Many terrific homers were hit. Skip won the derby by hitting 7 homers in the first round and 8 in the second. He played for the Titans and received $100 for his efforts. Second place also went to a Titans player. After the derby everyone was glad to send the Titans back to Intercourse. The day was good for most. Many players are disgusted by the Tribe and a few are thinking of mounting efforts to kick them out of the Gap League due to their unruly behavior.
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Phillies Pitchers going Beachy?
by Abe Glick, 5/21/07
It’s now the middle of May and the Phillies are finally back at .500 with a 22-22 record. They had a dismal start, but have been playing well recently. Charlie Daddy’s job seems to be safe for now. He’s managing a little better. The other day he even jogged off the mound after a pitching change. Maybe he jogged because he feared being booed, or maybe he’s trying to loose weight.
Ryan Howard is having a horrible start. Winning the MVP last year must have gone to his head. He was on the disabled list for two weeks and the Phillies played well with out him. Geoff Geary is still pitching badly. On Sunday he came into the game and quickly gave up 3 solo homers before Charlie pulled him. Luckily the Phils still won 5-3.
Recently we at birdinhandnews.com noticed that several Phillies pitchers have Beachy beards. Freddy Garcia has a perfect Beachy beard. It’s narrow, yet defined, and he has no mustache. Maybe he is the first Hispanic Beachy. We are trying to find out if he’s really gone Beachy or if he just enjoys wearing a Beachy beard. He’s been pitching pretty well lately, although he recently hurt his leg when he ran into a cart while shagging fly balls in practice. 
Freddy pumps his fist while playing for Venezuela during the World Baseball Classic.
Brett Myers is the other Phillies pitcher with a somewhat Beachy beard. He has no mustache, but his side burns are shaved off. That qualifies as a Beachy beard. We don’t really think he’s Beachy though because last year he whacked his wife in the face in 
