Gay Parade Shocks Amish Mennonite Youth
By Ed Lapp
June 18, 2007
Last Saturday four Amish Mennonite boys left the friendly confines of Lancaster County and headed for
But on Saturday, June 18 the boys would have been much better off inside the ballpark because what they saw outside was something they had only heard about in an occasional sermon.
They drove along a street toward the ballpark, which is located in beautiful downtown
Then they saw a crowd of strange creatures walking down the street. They stared in amazement. It was the 2007 Pittsburgh Pride Parade. One boy immediately suspected it was a Gay Parade. The other boys didn’t believe him until they saw a large man wearing a dress walking along waving a rainbow flag.
The boys stood there aghast. In all their lives they had never seen anything like it. They saw Miss Gay Pittsburgh and the Rainbow Buddhists. One boy got a piece of candy from a person. He was unsure if the person was a man or a woman. He didn’t want the candy so he gave it to his friend, who ate it.
Before long the boys realized that many people walking by them were gay. They quickly stepped back when two boys holding hands walked by. They watched the parade for awhile and then one boy said he's feeling sick so they went into a restaurant and ate wings and drank Mountain Dew.
For Pictures of the gays please contact us at birdinhandnews.com
Heritage Days Held At
By
June 28, 2007
The annual Heritage Days were held at
Amish, Mennonites, Amish Mennonites, English people, and a few scared tourists gathered at the park on Friday night. A volleyball tournament got underway. Most of the teams consisted of Amish boys, one was Mennonite, and one team was made up of Mexicans. No one could figure out why the Mexicans were there or how they found out about the tournament. They weren’t very good. One tourist from 
Amish boys play volleyball.
Several local restaurants and markets, including Stoltzfus Meats, Kling House Restaurant, and Lapp Valley Ice Cream, sold food to the hungry crowd. The ice cream stand did brisk business since Amish and Mennonites love ice cream. Kling House reported slow sales on their crab cake sandwiches.
A spelling bee was held on Friday night. First the kids spelled, then the adults. About 20 people entered the adult bee. The lone Amish Mennonite contestant was ousted while about 5 people remained. She looked very disappointed and someone bought her an ice cream cone.
In the end two women were left. One was an Amish woman named Rachel Esh and the other was an English woman with an Amish name, Ruthann Fisher. According to unconfirmed sources, she has Amish background. Rachel failed to spell “apocalypse” correctly and Ruthann nailed the word. She then spelled another word to win her 4th straight Intercourse Heritage Days Spelling Bee. Both contestants received a trophy. Many people went home determined to study the dictionary so they might receive a trophy next year.
After the bee, people milled about and watched volleyball games under the lights. The Mexican team was beaten badly. Amish children were involved in all sorts of flirtations and nonsense. When asked for comment, one Amish girl ran away giggling. The Amish Mennonite youth went to Bird-in-Hand.
The next day was more of the same. The Volleyball tournament was won by an Amish team. In the evening a jazz band performed in the pavilion. Most plain people were disappointed and confused by the music, but a tourist from
On Sunday a church service was held at the park. Very few Amish attended. A few Mennonites were spotted. In the evening a country gospel band performed and everyone thought that was better than jazz. All in all it was a good weekend for the residents of Intercourse and the surrounding areas.
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Mothers Day Convoy
May 14, 2007 – Last Sunday was the day many people went to see their mothers. Those who didn’t see their mothers called them or sent them flowers and those that didn’t like their mothers did nothing. Mother’s day is also when the Make a Wish Foundation holds its annual trucking convoy fund raiser.
Hundreds of trucks joined the convoy this year. They gathered somewhere in
The drive finally got under way around 2:00 pm. The trucks drove up 222 to Ephrata and back again. The convoy included many different trucks of all shapes and sizes. They were all shiny and waxed up. Hundreds of people lined the road to watch. They sat beside the road, in the median, and on highway overpasses. It was quit entertaining to watch the watchers. Some were Amish, some were Mennonite, some were Amish Mennonite, and others were just regular people. Every one waved at the truckers and children and the truckers and children waved back. It was neat.
They gazed at the convoy which lasted about two hours. Some people got bored after several minutes so they went home and watched the Phillies lose. Residents who live close to 222 were annoyed by the constant honking of the trucks and the sirens of the fire trucks. Drivers who were trying to drive on 222 were also annoyed by the convoy driving along at a slow rate of speed.
The Make a Wish Foundation raised a lot of money, the children were happy, and the truck drivers enjoyed being the center of attention. (Ed Lapp, BIHN News)
Trucks roll by
Amish Take in the Show
Baby the Deer Disappears
According to that paper, an old woman in Millersville found the deer last year and began feeding it. She pampered and groomed it and now it's her pet. Then a mean neighbor got mad at Baby because he was eating his flowers.
He called the game warden and a few days later he came out to capture Baby. Fortunately for Baby, the old woman called the local paper, and they made baby their own personal project. After the story was reported, public outrage caused the game warden to re-evaluate his plan.
The Game Commission didn't know what to do so they asked Governor Ed Rendell for advice. Rendell took a break from legalizing gambling and saying liberal things and told them the deer should be spared.
A few days later the game warden went to catch baby and take him to a deer farm, but much to everyone's dissapointment, Baby was gone. No one seems to know where he went. The old woman said he never ran away before. The angry neighbor said he didn't kill Baby, and the leader of the local wild deer herd could not be reached for comment. All the roads were searched for a dead deer. Several were found but none was Baby.The local paper was very dissapointed that its favorite story had come to such an abrupt end.
As of today Baby is still missing. Hopefully he joined a wild deer herd where he can live happily untill this fall when he can become steak for some happy hunter. (Ed Lapp, BIHN News).
By Jim Stoltzfus
July 12, 2007
An East Lampeter Spitz named Twinkle recently had an unfortunate run-in with a hay mower. According to
After running over the dog, the boy told his father, who decided to treat the dog with a home remedy rather than taking her to a veterinarian. The dog was placed in the barn and treated with a concoction of herbs and red pepper.
Evidently the dog was lying within sight of the family’s produce stand on
The animal rightists came, seized Twinkle, and took her to a nearby veterinary clinic where she underwent surgery. Twinkle survived the surgery and is recovering at Humane League of Lancaster County.
A visit to the farm on
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Chiropractor Crashes Plane
By Ed Lapp
July 12, 2007
A local Chiropractor, whose patients include many Amish and Mennonites, recently crashed his small plane into a
According to the pilot, Robert Coder of
Then his plane started sputtering and he knew he wasn’t going to make it to the airport. So he started looking for a soft place to land. According to Coder, the corn field looked soft, so down he went. Coder was unhurt in the crash landing. Several days after the crash, the plane was no longer in the field.
It is unclear whether the crash and ensuing FUI, which made the front page of the local paper, will affect Coder’s business. A Bird-in-Hand woman who was scheduled to see Coder a week after the crash decided to keep her appointment. When she asked him about the crash, he simply replied, “Don’t believe everything you read in the paper.” The woman said he did not appear to be drunk at the time of her appointment.
She did a little detective work and noticed that the sign-in log for Coder was almost empty for the day of her appointment. When asked if she would see him again, she said, “I doubt if I will, but he sure did something for my ragged back. “When I came in here, I could hardly walk and now I feel like I’m 18 again.” Where’s a volleyball?”
According to a Ronks Amish Mennonite girl who has been a patient of Coder’s, his girlfriend recently broke up with him.
--------------------------Memorial Day and “Pinksht Mondag”
By
June 7, 2007
Monday, May 28 was the day Amish people celebrated “Pinksht Mondag.” It was also the day that English People Celebrated Memorial Day. Some Amish Mennonites celebrated both holidays, and others celebrated neither.
Memorial Day is a good day to remember those who have died for our country. Birdinhandnews.com thanks those fallen soldiers, and those who continue to serve around the world. Luckily Amish, Amish Mennonites, and Mennonites are non-resistant so they don’t have to go to battle and die. Preachers enjoy using rumors of an upcoming draft to scare their young members into submission.
“Pinksht Mondag” was a good day for Amish people to take off work and play with their friends, family, and dogs. Most didn’t understand what “Pinksht” meant, but they relaxed nonetheless. According to an unnamed source, “Pinksht” is the German word for Pentecost and that is the day Jesus’ disciples received the Holy Spirit.
Monday was the first time in a while that Memorial Day and “Pinksht Mondag” fell on the same day. English people were surprised to see their Amish neighbors celebrating Memorial Day and Amish People were surprised to see their English neighbors celebrating “Pinksht Mondag.” Some Mennonites decided to observe neither holiday and went to work. One Horning carpenter crew was driven from a jobsite by a sword wielding mob of veterans from the VFW. They jumped into their truck and roared away, leaving their tools on the job. The veterans relived memories of ‘
All in all it was a good day. It was neat to have “Pinksht Mondag” and Memorial Day on the same day. Birdinhandnews.com is drafting a proposal which will be presented to Congress. It would make that the two holidays always fall on the same day in the future. That way the Amish and the English could always celebrate their late May holidays together.
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Ascension Day 2007
May 17, 2007 – Amish and Mennonites across the county commemorated Jesus’ ascension to heaven by taking off work, playing volleyball, and picnicking. Many didn’t even think of the reason for their day off. Mennonites were happy about their Mennonitism because they can take off on both Amish and English holidays.
Amish from Manheim to New Danville drove their buggies to gatherings and spent the day playing volleyball and croquet and sitting around looking at their children. One Amish herd came in a bus to a farm near Leola, where they jumped out and played volleyball with much gusto.
Lancaster County Central Park was host to a group of Black Bumper Mennonites and an Amish Mennonite youth group. One Amish Mennonite accidentally drove his black truck to the Black Bumper picnic. They all stared at him and tried to figure out who he was. Then they realized he was Amish Mennonite so they stared even more. When he saw the shape of the women’s coverings, he realized he was at the wrong party so he quickly drove away to find his friends.
The Amish Mennonites had a picnic where they ate hotdogs and hamburgers and a lot of ice cream bars. Then they played softball. A few girls helped the boys play and this caused a few boys to play badly. Every one yelled at the umpire and he changed his calls many times. Whichever team yelled the loudest got the most beneficial calls.
After a while the Black Bumper group started playing on the other field. Someone suggested a friendly game between them and the Amish Mennonites. But everyone knew the game wouldn’t stay friendly so it never happened.
The Amish Mennonites’ game ended abruptly when a player tried to score from third on a fly ball. The outfielder hurled the ball home and pumped his fist when the runner was out. Sadly, the runner was out because he broke his knee and fell to the ground 10 feet from home plate. After an ambulance came and hauled him away no one felt like playing ball so they went home and drank pop. (
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Primary Elections in
May 16, 2007 – Yesterday Republicans and Democrats went to the polls to decide who would represent the parties in the fall elections.
Voters chose their picks for county commissioners, judges, and school boards. The commissioner race was heated with four Republicans vying for 2 spots. Former
After all the votes were counted, Stuckey and Martin were ahead.
In the Judge race, the six endorsed Republicans won. Everyone was disappointed that Lucy Longo lost. People went out and tore their “I Love Lucy Longo” signs out of the ground.
Voters reported no problems with the new computerized voting machines. One Amish man said, “Wow was that ever modern,” as he walked out of a polling place in Leola. One old man voted with an oxygen tank in tow.
The primaries in
Turnout among the plain sects was low because many of them didn’t care, others were too busy planting corn, some have convictions against voting, and many didn’t even realize their was an election. (
Amish Mennonite Preachers Gather for Annual Meeting
4/19/2007 - Last week Amish Mennonite preachers from all over the
According to an a Beachy source from Kansas, the ministers arrived in minivans and fancy SUVs and spent the next few days on the barren prairie discussing the current state of the church. They listened to topics by a few smart men and ate a lot of good food.
Amish Mennonite Churches from
Amish Mennonite Churches are generally defined by several characteristics: beards with out mustaches for men, covering strings and cape dresses for women, and no radios for anyone.
After the meeting was over all the ministers went home again and tried to apply the new knowledge they had gained in
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Strange Weather Grips The Area
4/14/07 - Amish, Mennonites, and Amish Mennonites and everyone else in Lancaster County and the rest of the United States is getting tired of sitting around confused because of the cold Spring. Easter egg hunts and softball games, romantic walks, and open buggy rides were cancelled as temperatures rarely went above forty in the past week.
Al Gore was forced to cancel a tour through the Northeast to talk about Global Warming because it was so cold. People were heard cursing his name. He's not very popular anyway, in the Republican stronghold of Lancaster, PA.
It's so cold that Mrs. Elvin Martin, of Ronks, who always plants her peas before anyone else, watched in horror as her newly sprouted plants withered in a mid-April frost. She bit her tongue and vowed to plant again. She did but her new crop froze too. When asked what she thinks about the weather she said, "I don't know. Since 1967 I've never planted my peas later than April 1. Maybe it's Global Warming."
Other residents also blamed Global Warming for the cold weather. Abraham Stoltzfus, an Intercourse amish man stroked his beard as he said, "I heard from my English neighbor that it's caused by Global Warming."
The cold weather almost hit a boiling point this weekend as a storm moved across the midwest, straight at southern PA. Snow and sleet were forcasted and everyone drove to the store to buy milk and bread and copies of Al Gore's latest book about Global Warming.
Luckily the storm only brought rain. It rained and rained for a few days and the Conestoga River and a few other little creeks overflowed. Farmers sat inside and cracked their fingers, wondering if they'll ever be able to plant crops.
A Bird in Hand farmer sitting in the Bird in Hand Family Restaurant eating pancakes pretty much summed up the feelings of everyone else. "I just don't know. When I was a boy it was cold in the winter and hot in the summer. Global Warming is dumb and it should stop because it's making the weather wierd." he said. (Elam Jones, BIHN news).