Top Ways to Keep From Losing Your Mind during Tourist Season

By Alma Yoder

I have a lot to say, but since I’m Amish Mennonite I don’t have much chance to spout my views. Just so you know, Tourist Season is NOT the same as deer or turkey season, meaning that we don’t actually hunt them with guns. I usually try to run away from them but often they run after me and try to take my picture. Since I wear a covering and a cape dress and I’m cute, many tourists like taking my picture.

1. Turn the tourists from hunters to the hunted. If they come at you with a camera, pull out your own camera and start snapping pictures of them. Digital cameras are best since you won’t have to waste film. The best part about this is that if you get a good picture you can send it to birdinhandnews.com and they will put it up for all to see and make fun of.
2. Avoid the towns of Intercourse, Bird-in-Hand, and Strasburg, especially on weekends and Holidays.
3. When you get behind  slow tourists, blow the horn at them. Let the anger out. Don’t let it build up inside. I find it helpful to play tunes on my horn. One loooooong beep will often send out-of-staters onto the shoulder. Tailgating and swerving around can also scare tourists off the road.
4. Buy a scooter or a buggy, join the Amish, and get rid of road rage. Warning: Joining the Amish will increase the number of tourists after you with cameras.
5. Pretend you are famous. They are the paparazzi, you are Paris Hilton. Run away, drive over their feet, and pose occasionally. This little game can be a lovely respite from a hectic day.
6. Buy a “If there’s a Tourist Season, Why can’t we shoot ‘em” bumper sticker.
7. Wear a T-shirt that says, “I hate New York” or “Massachusetts is dumb.”
8. Make sure you are dirty and reeking of BO whenever you must come in contact with tourists. They will avoid you.
9. Whenever a tourist tries to talk to you, pretend you can’t speak English. Point at them, laugh, and talk loudly in PA Dutch. If you can’t talk Dutch, just jibber-jabber.
10. Tell tourists there’s a band of Angry Amish around who will beat them up and take all their money and gas.
11. Drive around and point all the signs directing people to Intercourse and Bird-in-Hand in the wrong directions. Tourists will end up in places like LancasterCity, Philadelphia, and Harrisburg where gang members can beat them up and take their cameras, money and weird clothes.
12. Make money off the blokes (An English tourist called me that when I did No. 9). Dress Amish and charge money for pictures. Set up a stand and sell Amish hats, Amish rootbeer, Amish kittens, or Amish whoopie pies. Or if you have some junk around the house, just slap "Amish" on it and it will get sold.

I hope these 12 points will help you get through the summer without ending up in the insane asylum.

Dating Advice For Men by Alexander Graham

13 Reasons to Skip Dating and Go Straight to Marriage   

1. Dating is too much work. When it starts it looks like great fun, but it always turns out to be more work than fun. Talking about feelings and love languages can be physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining.
2. If a woman's going to control you, you might as well be married to her.
3. You get to know the girl so well you don't want to get married to her
4. As you get to know her better, rather than understanding her better, you get more confused.
5. You have to go to her family get togethers when the football game is on and you miss the game of the year.
6. Dating age for most women is actually prime child bearing age.
7. It costs too much. Paying double for everything is a pain. The problem is, guys often pay happily untill the end of the year when they look at their finances.
8. Asking twice sucks. Asking her to date is stressfull. But that's not the end. You also have to ask her to marry you. It'd be so much easier if you could just ask once.
9. The Bible gives no guidelines for dating. It only mentions marriage.
10. If you don't date, you don't have to decide whether to have hands off, lips off, or everything off. That whole discussion is eliminated if you go straight to marriage because once your married, nothing is off limits.
11. You don't have to read boring books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
12. Your friends can't laugh at you when she breaks up with you.
13. Most importantly, you don't have to hide your true feelings and slovenly habits while you try to impress her into marrying you.

Birdinhandnews.com in no way endorses Mr. Graham's advice as fact. You can take it for what it's worth.