Dear Abner
Dear Abner,
I was recently let go from an Indienna mentil instetution, which name I don’t believe I have to menchion. I spent 2 years ther and consider me completely rehobelitatd. My problem is this. Since my returns to the local Menoniet dating secne I’ve found it difficult to talk to grils. They seem to lok at me strengely and most run awuy when I come toward them. Twice I’ve bin treing to ask a girl for a date and she’s walked away while I was in midcentense. I even offered to take one gril on a hot air baloun ride and she said “no. That hurts Abner, that hurteth bad. What should I do? I’m 27 and I desparataly want to mery before I hit the big 3-0. If things don’t change soon I afraid I might have to get back in the clink.
Loser in
Dear Loser,
Even though I address you as “Loser” I don’t think you are a loser. You have much potential, young man, and God loves you very much. However, your spelling is awful. Never under any circumstances should you email or write a girl to ask her for a date. Even if your vocal chords give out, don’t do it.
Your dilemma is not much unlike that of a young man named Sal who I knew back in 1974. He too spent time in a nuthouse and after his release found it very hard to rejoin normal society. How his story ended is beside the point (he moved to
Forget about finding a girlfriend. Move far away from
Father Abner,
Recently our church has made it clear that white cargo pants are not accepted at church. As a good steward of money I shop at the local Good Will. Finding dark pants for dress is nearly impossible. I've also heard it leads to divorce and remarriage. What should I do?
Cargo wearer in
Dear Cargo Wearer,
First of all let me say. I greatly appreciate that you addressed me as father. Of course I’m not your father, but it shows me you have respect for your elders. Son, I am wondering about the cargo pants. I wasn’t exactly sure what they were so I asked my grandson and he told me they are pants with pockets and hammer holders all over the legs.
Now let me say that I love all my readers, but I think these pants are ridiculous. Over the past several years I have noticed young men wearing these pants to church and it looks weird and disrespectable. Please stop wearing them. Do not wear them to church. Do not wear them to school or work or play. They look weird. I think your church did a good job in banning them.
I’m sure you can find some pants with only 4 pockets at the Good Will or go to Walmart where you can find pants for next to nothing. I can see clearly how wearing cargo pants could lead to divorce and remarriage.
Dear Abner,
With all your knowledge about the Amish, I hope you can answer my question. I see all these Amish children running around the farms barefoot. They run through the chicken houses and the cow stable with bare feet. I see cow dung squished between there toes and on there ankles. If I understand it correctly the Amish only have an eighth grade education. Now I see all these Amish furniture stores, construction workers, and business owners - just like there English neighbors. Is there any connection with the bare feet and cow dung that might make these folks smarter, beings they don't have the high school and college education there neighbors have and still end up doing the same jobs?
Wondering in Witmer
Dear Wondering,
You raise an interesting point. As I write this I am barefoot. When I was growing up in Bird-in-Hand in the 1930s I loved going barefoot. As soon as my mom allowed me, I went without shoes. My biggest concern was that when I grew up, I couldn’t go barefoot anymore. I almost wished I was a girl sometimes because my mom always went barefoot but my dad never did.
Now about cow dung and smartness, I don’t really see a connection. I do realize that dung is high in nutrients and my wife always likes to put it on her garden to make it grow better. It makes me wonder if there’s a connection. I think the real reason why Amish people have good business with only 8th grade educations is that they are smarter than English people. But even if there’s no connection, I think people should go barefoot more. I still go barefoot whenever I can and I think “No shoes, No shirts, No service” is a dumb rule. One time I went into a gas station to buy lottery tickets while barefoot. The man would not sell me any tickets so I stood outside the store for two days waving a sign which read, “Equal Rights for Barefoot People.” A hippy and two Amish men joined my protest but we never really got anywhere.
Dear Abner,
I have a problem. Amish Mennonite men are supposed to grow beards but no mustaches when they get married. I am a young, single, Amish Mennonite man who can’t grow a beard. I have tried not shaving for several weeks and only get a few straggly hairs on my cheeks and a little goatee on my chin. Obviously this is not a problem right now because I’m not allowed to have a beard anyway, but someday I want to get married.
I’m not sure who I want to marry yet, but what girl will want a guy who can’t grow a large, flowing beard? Furthermore, our church would not allow a married man to not have a beard. I wish I could grow a beard like yours, Abner, but I just can’t. What should I do?
Beardless Beachy in Honey Brook
Dear Beardless,
As I do while I read most of my letters, I am now stroking my long flowing beard. It has taken years of growing and grooming to possess a beard like mine and I love it almost as much as my wife does. Your dilemma is quite troubling because no Amish Mennonite girl wants to marry a man who can’t grow a beard.
Although it may be hard to believe, I too struggled with raising facial hair during my first years of marriage. I was embarrassed and dumbfounded when I quit shaving in 1945. I didn’t know what to do so I asked an elder in the church. He told me I should rub peach juice all over my face before I go to bed. I was very skeptical about this method, but I tried it and low and behold, it worked. Evidently the fuzz on the peaches had some kind of effect on the fuzz on my face. I encourage you to try this method, although it can be quite sticky.
You could also join a non-beard Mennonite church. I have never liked those non-beard Mennonites, but if all else fails you might have to try them. You could also buy a fake beard from a costume shop and strap that on. I have seen some pretty neat wig beards, most notably those worn by the Bird-in-Hand Beard on Heads, a local singing group.
Ok, I have to go shampoo my beard now. I hope my advice is beneficial.
Dear Abner:
I am not Amish, Amish Mennonite or Mennonite, but have neighbors who are. My problem comes from them. The other day my neighbor’s teenage son went and bought two sheep. What he wanted with them I can’t imagine, but the rickety joke of a fence he built to keep them in you should have seen. The sheep were very wild and went “zoom” right through the fence and stampeded and crashed right through my garden and flower beds. Well actually my wife’s garden and flower beds, because I feel, as I’m sure you will agree, that the garden is work for the wife and not the husband. The same for the flower beds.
Anyway, back to the sheep, after they got out there was much shouting and running and confusion from the neighbor boy, his father, his brother, and a tall man they called Eric. After they finally penned them back in, the father was scolding his son quite loudly and I thought it best not to interfere. Since then, the sheep have gotten out a few more times and each time my wife gets very upset. She gets so upset she will not cook for me. So you see my obvious problem is sheep.
My neighbors are not Amish, but are Amish Mennonite or Mennonite. I can’t tell which. My question is, how should I handle this problem? Should I go talk to their Bishop? I’m afraid to ask them who their Bishop is, because that would make them suspicious. Maybe you can talk to their Bishop for me. Please help. The sheep got out again last night, and all I’ve had to eat since then was some raw vegetables and half a loaf of bread my wife threw at me.
Hungry and Confused Bareville
Dear Hungry and Confused:
Upon reading your letter I had to chuckle a bit. It brought back memories of my own escapade with sheep. Back in 1972 I decided to raise sheep only to find out they are the most ornery animals in the world. We ate much good mutton.
Your main problem is not the sheep, it is your wife. She should cook for you no matter what. Even if you are lazy and sit around doing nothing, she should still cook and clean and work in the garden. The man of the house should do no work around the house.
But if you’re unwilling to address this problem I have a few suggestions for the sheep. Perhaps you could invite your neighbors over for supper. Have your wife cook mutton and talk about how good it is. Maybe you could suggest killing and eating the neighbors’ sheep. You could also ask them if they are Amish Mennonite or Mennonite. If the man has a small beard and the woman wears a covering with strings, they are probably Amish Mennonite. Pretend like you want to join their church and ask how you could contact the Bishop. Then you could call him and complain. However, if they go to my church, he will just laugh at you.
You could also buy a big, angry dog who could “accidently” get out and kill the sheep. Or maybe you could hire the tall man named Eric to guard your flower bed and garden. He could stand there with a stick or shot gun and chase the sheep away. If the tall man named Eric is the same tall man named Eric I know, he is currently unemployed. Whatever you decide, I hope you will not be hungry much longer.
Dear Abner,
I am not originally from
Is it from many hours of buggy riding and being so close to the “horses’ exhaust”? Or is it perhaps that since Amish men work so hard, they sweat out of the corners of their mouths? Or could it be that disgusting thing they call “the chewing snuff”? I doubt the latter, as they are such a holy and unbridled people, set apart from the sins of the world. They would never chew tobacco, right? I mean it wouldn’t make sense to chew tobacco but not have a radio, would it?
Pondering and pontificating about the people of
Dear Pondering,
As I read your letter, I was stroking my long, gray beard. I haven’t trimmed it since 1987. I too, at one time had some long yellow streaks in my beard but I don’t anymore. This is because I strive very hard to keep it clean. Ever since my wife refused to kiss me, I have kept it clean.
Streaks in beards come from a few different things. The horses’ exhaust has something to do with it. It also may be due to eating hot dogs loaded with mustard. When Amish men go to horse sales they like to eat hot dogs while they buy horses. Sometimes while bidding intently, they forget to contain the mustard.
Regarding tobacco, some Amish men do chew and this is probably the main reason for the streaks. Chewing is a disgusting habit, and although they are a holy and unbridled people, some Amish men indulge in it. Amish Mennonites do not.
Dear Abner,
The other day I was sitting on my front porch drinking a cold Mountain Dew. I was reading the latest issue of The Family Life as I sipped on the cold pop. That's when something happened that changed my life. A truck load of Amish Mennonite youth went by. Loud music was blaring from the speakers and there was several kids on the back of the truck. The girls' covering strings were flying in the wind.
As they passed my house, one of the children yelled some rude words in my direction. (Abner's Note: the words weren't fit to print here). One of the young girls got a large root beer bottle and threw it at my front porch.
Meanwhile my dog, Oliver, was napping on the porch. The bottle hit Oliver square in the jaw and he hasn't been the same since. The truck load of Amish Mennonite youth continued on down the road where I'm sure they wreaked much havoc.
As for Oliver. He walks around in a daze and always runs into trees. The neighborhood cat population is having the time of their lives.
Ever since this incident, I'm having feelings of anger and rage toward Amish Mennonites. Why just last night I took Oliver up to a local AM church where he defecated in the parking lot. Whenever I see a Beachy walking beside the road I want to hit him. My whole life has become a nightmare as I'm engulfed with rage toward the Amish Mennonites. What can I do to quell this rage? Is it their fault I'm feeling this way? Abner, I know you weren't involved in bottling my dog, but I still hate you. I don't want to feel this way. Please help me.
Raging in Ronks
Dear Raging,
I am very sorry you hate me. I love you. I'm doing everything in my power to find these crazy youth so they can be disciplined properly. Unfortunately many Amish Mennonites think I'm a crazy old man, so I'm having a little trouble finding them.
While I do this I hope you don't do anything stupid. It's bad enough that Oliver is half crazy, don't do anything that will get you thrown into jail. If you commit a crime against the Amish Mennonites it would be considered a hate crime and you'd be severely punished.
I advise you to tie a few large rocks to Oliver, throw him into the nearest river, and buy a new dog. This will allow you to forget Oliver, you can move on with your life, and the neighborhood cat population can be brought back in check.
I will find the youth and they will be punished. Or they might feel convicted and come apologize on their own. If they come, please don't hurt them.
Dear Abner,
After reading through your columns I wonder If you really want to help people or if your just out for the fame in having your own column. After much careful consideration I felt that someone should make you aware that you may be a judgmental, grouchy old man who remains bitter that his life didn't happen exactly as planed. You keep talking about Having been raised right, is this because you weren't? Did you perhaps marry the wrong woman? I feel that you should examine yourself carefully before offering advice to pliable young minds who in desperation turn to you for advice.
Concerned citizen from the south
Dear Concerned,
Let me say first that I love all my readers like sons. However, I have a few things to say to your vitrolic and hateful email. I think you are still mad because you lost the Civil War. Get over it.
As to me being raised right. I was raised right and you evidently were not. And I did marry the right woman because after 65 years she still treats my feet and massages my nose when I ask her too. Offering advice to pliable young minds is a big responsibility, but I think I'm pretty smart .
Dear Abner,
I am a young boy who is having some problems. I'm not sure what to do so I decided to ask you since somebody told me you are smart. My problem is this. I asked a girl for a date and she told me she'll give me an answer in two months. So I told her that's fine because I didn't know what else to do. I figured that was better than rejection.
Now 3 months have passed and she still hasn't given me an answer. Now I don't know what to do. I called her a few times and she doesn't return my calls. I drive by her house all the time, but I never see her. I also don't see any other boys' cars parked at her house so that's good. Abner, I'm at the end of my rope. What should I do. Waiting in Leola
Dear Waiting,
I'm trying to learn how to use my computer but I don't really know how. That's my biggest problem right now. You, my friend, have bigger problems. I think the girl you are after doesn't want you any more because she hasn't been answering her phone when you call. I'm don't know too much about cell phone etiquette because when I was of dating age we communicated with Morse Code and post cards.
Even if she does want you, I think you should let her alone because she isn't the type of girl you want to marry. If she can't make up her mind in 3 months about having a date, imagine what it's going to be like when you ask her to marry you. My advice to you is to ask another girl out and then you can forget the indecisive girl. You should also stop driving by her house because that's borderline stalking.
Dear Abner,
Hello. I am so mad lately because every time I go to a gas station to buy gas and soda and cheese curls I have to wait in line for a long time because there's people standing there buying lottery tickets.
These people are young and old, fat and thin, but all of them are poor and they make me so angry. They stand there and point at ten different tickets and try to maximize the grimy little five dollar bills they're holding in their greasy hands. Then they stand right there and scratch off the scratchoff tickets to see if they won and if they win a dollar they buy more tickets.
Meanwhile I'm standing there seathing with anger. I want to yell at them. I want to grab them and throw them on the gas station floor and rip the lottery tickets to shreds. It's gotten so bad I constantly obsess about beating up people who are in front of me in line. What can I do to not get so angry.
Angry in Gap.
Dear Angry. I am sorry to hear about your anger. You need more help than I can give you. I don't know why you're mad at people who buy lottery tickets. I buy them all the time. Personally I prefer the Cash 6. Gus is my favorite ground hog. One time I won $20. You should buy your soda and cheesies at a grocery store and pay for your gas at the pump and let the inside of the store to people who need lottery tickets. I advise you to buy some yourself because they benifit older Pennsylvanians.
Dear Abner:
Two of my close relatives have been dating for over a year now and neither of them is engaged yet. This greatly concerns me since most Amish Mennonites get engaged after a few months of dating. What do u think the problem might be? The girls seem to be quite attached but somehow the guys don't seem quite committed. Also is there anything I can do on my behalf to hurry up the engagement of these two couples?
Mortified in Beachyville.
My first question is, where is Beachyville? I consider myself a student of the map, and I thought I knew the names of all the towns where Amish Mennonites live. I have never heard of Beachyville, but it may exist. My second question is, why are you mortified? My third question is, are you one of the young ladies who has been dating for over a year? Your letter sounds suspicious. However, I will not doubt your dilemma is real so I will attempt to answer.
When I was a young man I had a cousin named Willis. He and I started dating at about the same time. He got married in eight months and I didn’t get married until me and my girlfriend (now my good and faithful wife) had dated for 15 months. I’m not here to judge, but Willis and his wife (they have since passed on) never seemed to be quite as happy as me and my wife. I’m not going to suggest it was because we dated longer, but I thought I’d tell you anyway.
Maybe your two close relatives are simply waiting for the right time to pop the question. Maybe it’s always cloudy on full moon and they want to propose under a full moon. Maybe they are afraid to pop the question. Maybe they are trying to set an Amish Mennonite record for the most months dated before marriage (I think the current record was set by
You ask if you should get involved. Well, it is never good for a sister or cousin to get involved in a boy’s dating relationship. However, if you see the young ladies are ready to hit the road due to their boyfriends’ lack of commitment, maybe you could drop some hints to the boys about marriage. Do not come right out and say, “You should marry,” because the boys very likely don’t want to feel like they are only proposing due to external pressure from a nosy relative. But I have gone on to long. I must go and eat some peanut brittle now. My bones feel quite brittle too. Is that not ironic?
Dear Abner,
I am seriously considering joining a plain church. I've visited different plain churches, but I think that the Beachys think I am only going to their churches for their fellowship meals. I do not think I am ready for an Amish church, and I think the people that wear head coverings and pants together look weird. I don't want to look like crazy, but I also don't want to be too plain. I have a friend who sometimes wears shorts with her veiling, and that looks nice, but I don't want to wear shorts all year long. I was wondering if you could direct me to any good churches.
Searching in Leola
Dear Searching,
I am very glad to hear that you are considering joining a plain church. Very few people from the World join the plain people and that is very troubling to me. I have often tried to get people to come to my church, but usually they run away from me. One time I persuaded a few hippies to come but that did not end well. Another time my Chinese neighbor came but when he looked around and realized he was the only minority in the church, he left before the sermon. His name was Chop but he didn’t really chop anything.
You should stop wearing shorts and a covering NOW. Nothing looks weirder to me than a woman with shorts or pants and a covering. Shorts are a symbol of worldliness and modernism and they don’t mesh with the covering. After you quit wearing shorts you should come join the Amish Mennonites. They are a neat church. Not too plain and not too modern and you get to be both Amish and Mennonite. That is neat.
You should not join the Charities, the Easterns, or the Hornings. They are three churches you will not like. If you want to know why, come to my church next Sunday and I will tell you. In the meantime, stop wearing shorts and a covering together.
Dear Abner,
What is the history behind Amish and self propelled scooters? I know there are scooters all over the country but not very popular. How and when did the Amish decide to use this as there primary use of transportation besides the buggy?
Wondering in Weaverland.
As you know I am not Amish so I never rode a scooter. I always drove a bike or a car, but have always enjoyed running scooters off the road. I too was always curious about the Amish love affair with scooters. They drive scooters of every shape and size. I’ve seen scooters with bicycle wheels and I’ve seen scooters with lights and blinkers. I’ve seen old men riding scooters with their beards flowing in the wind, and young ladies riding scooters to school. I’ve seen people sit on scooters and I’ve seen three children riding one scooter.
I did some research on the scooter and found out that the Amish ride scooters for several reasons. In the 1920s the Amish elders of
Scooters are often used because it’s easier to jump on a scooter than to hitch up a horse and buggy. Amish also decided that pictures of an Amish on a scooter looks pretty neat so they ride them to give the tourists something to snap. They are also easy to pick up and run into a field if someone tries to rob them.
Dear Abner,
After reading your wise advice on Bird in Hand News.com, I decided to consult you with my problem. It is this: I can’t sew. It’s as simple as that. What makes the problem a problem is that I’m Amish Mennonite and all my dresses are homemade. If I’d be Amish I could pin my clothes together, If I’d be Mennonite I could buy my clothes but no, I’m Amish Mennonite. Do you know of anyone that would be willing to give sewing lessons? Or do you know of a department store that sells cape dresses?
My ma does a fine job of sewing my dresses (thus I never learned to sew or had the urge to learn) but I’m dating a fine, young lad from Indiana and if we ever marry and perhaps leave Lancaster County (very likely since he doesn’t like Lancaster, he thinks it’s too crowded) my ma would have to send me my dresses and with the price of postage being going sky high, I don’t think I could afford that. What shall I do? I love being Amish Mennonite but would it be simpler to change to another denomination where access to clothes is easier? I’m at my wit’s end. Please help!
Dear Frantic,
To answer your question I had to consult my wife. She is a quite skilled with the needle and even makes my shirts and pants. She said she would teach you how to sew if you’d like to learn, so just stop by our house in Bird in Hand next Tuesday and she will show you how to sew a cape dress. If you come I will make you some lemonade.
If you don’t want to do that, you could tell your boyfriend that you won’t leave
With postage being so high, I don’t advise mailing your dresses. The other day postage for a letter went up to 41 cents. I remember when it was 6 cents. I had to go to the post office and buy a whole bunch of 2 cents stamps because I just purchased a hundred 39 cent stamps. That incensed me. And when you have a bunch of little girls running around, it’ll be even more expensive.
Dear Abner,
Recently I’ve noticed something that really bothers me. After church when I try to greet the young men with the holy kiss they either give me the cheek, stiff arm me, or run to the other side of the church. The other day one young man refused to stand up when I shook his hand so I had to bend way down to kiss him and I hurt my back.
Abner, I’m sure you remember the days when the holy kiss was popular. In fact, I remember sitting beside you on the boy’s bench at church. You had quite the kiss, as of course, you still have, although it’s a bit more hairy now. I was wondering if you have any ideas on how to make the holy kiss popular again, or should I give up on kissing young men.
Well my hands are getting sore now and the nurse said it’s time for my medication so I’ll leave you go.
Sick of Stiff Arms in Fairmount Homes
Dear Sick,
It’s good to hear from someone of my own generation – someone who actually remembers V-E Day. I’m sure my wife agrees with you that I’ve got quite the kiss. The first time I kissed her, my oh my. Well, I guess that has nothing to do with your question. I also have witnessed the decline of the holy kiss with much concern.
For some reason the young people don’t like to kiss each other. It may have something to do with the rise of homosexuals in
To increase your chances of getting kisses, don’t kiss on the mouth. The cheek is ok. Don’t insist on kissing if a young man is clearly stiff arming you. A hand shake can be ok. Maybe you should just stick to the older generation. I look forward to seeing you next Sunday.
Dear Abner,
I'm dating a girl from Leola and I like her a lot, but there's one thing about her that annoys me. She always tells me about her dreams. She doesn't just give me a brief summary, but she goes on and on about every minute detail. Just yesterday we had a date and she spent 70% of the time giving me a vivid account of her and Barak Obama and Rosie ODonell and her preacher. The preacher was chasing her with a jar of octupi and Rosie and Barak were after her with a pair of pliers.
The dream made absolutely no sense to me but it seemed very important to my girlfriend. I felt like telling her to shut up but I was afraid to. Abner, what can I do to make her stop telling me all about her dreams?
Tired of dreams in Southern PA.
Dear Tired,
I enjoyed reading your letter. As I'm writing this I'm enjoying a large glass of chocolate milk. I prefer Hershey's syrup when making chocolate milk. Now about your question.
Although you may feel alone in your desperation, you are not. Thousands of other people have dealt with your problem in the past. Dreamtellers can be very annoying and exhausting.
In fact I dealt with the same problem back in 1941 when I first started dating my wife. She always told me all about her dreams. One night she was telling me about a dream in which she and Satchel Paige and her first grade teacher were trick or treating in Honolulu, Hawaii when they met up with Moses Beachy and Napolean Boneparte. She didn't just mention this dream in an off hand manner, but continued talking about it all night. My 10:30 curfew was almost up and she was telling me how Napolean looked a lot like her first grade teacher. That's when I had a revelation.
I got an idea which has served me well these past 66 years. I invoked the 10 second rule. The 10 second rule is this: you can tell me about your dreams but the description cannot exceed 10 seconds. If it exceeds 10 seconds there are dire consequences. My girfriend didn't really like this rule but she eventually agreed to it. I advise you to try the 10 second rule on your girlfriend because I'm sure it will work. If it doesn't, you could tell her dreams even longer and boringer than hers. That may cure her.
Dear Abner,
My teenage girl recently informed me that she is dating an older black man. I don't think his color is an issue but every time I see them
together I want to cut his eyeballs out and feed them to my chickens.
Maybe my violent fantasies come from the fact that he is 33 and my little girl is only 19. Do you think this is just a stage and I should wait it out or should I cut off his appendages and put them in my feed grinder.
I know you had about 7 girls of your own so I figured you would have alot of wisdom in this area.
Thanks,
Violent in Voganville
Dear Violent,
I am sorry to hear about your little girl being taken by a hairy old black man. To help you I will tell you a story. In 1965 I lived with my wife and 11 children in Bareville. One day I saw my 4th daughter, Ethyl, frolicking in a hay field with the hired hand. The hired hand was not only simple. He was also a 43 year old bachelor who had a pet sheep named Linda.
When I saw Ethyl and the hired hand out there in the back 40 with more in mind than baling hay, I knew something had to be done. So I called my 4 brothers and we went to visit the man that night. After that he never bothered Ethyl again and she married Jim Stoltzfus and is very happy.
I think you should gather a few brothers and go visit the 33 year old man. If you need an extra guy call me. After the visit he will never bother your little girl again. She may cry for a few weeks about her lost love but in the end she will thank you.
As for your rage and anger. You need some help. You evidently were not raised right and should join the group, People Against Old Men Dating Young Women. They will help you.