Heard It Along 340 
Strasburg Elvis Impersonator runs into Amish Mennonite Bishop
10/17/07 -
According to unnamed sources, the man dressed up like Elvis, combed his hair like the deceased singer, put on a pair of sunglasses, and headed to Intercourse for some fun with the tourists. His day went well. He walked around and talked in a deep voice, saying “Thank you, thank you very much,” and “Elvis welcomes you to Amish country.” He even sang a few songs in Intercourse and the tourists had lots of fun with him.
Around 3:00 pm he was sitting along 340 enjoying a soft pretzel when a local Amish Mennonite Bishop walked by. The bishop stopped, looked twice and then walked swiftly toward the Elvis impersonator.
“Brother I would like to have a word with you,” he said.
“With me?” Thank you, thank you very much,” said the Elvis Impersonator.
“Yes you,” Your music has had a very negative influence on our youth over the past 30 years,” said the Amish Mennonite Bishop. He looked angrily at the Elvis impersonator.
“Oh well, I’m not really Elvis,” replied the man.
“Whatever, you sure look like him.”
According to Selma Jones, of
A Wave Gone Awry
One day 4 Amish Mennonite boys were driving around in a Jeep. They were generally bad boys and were doing things bad Amish Mennonite boys usually do. One of these things was waving at girls in passing cars.
The boys pulled up to a red light and stopped. In a car beside them, one of the boys spotted a white, English girl. According to the boy she was hot. Unfortunately the boy did not see the black boy in the car beside the girl.
The black boy saw the Amish Mennonite boy waving at his girlfriend and he became quite agitated. He started following the Amish Mennonite boys. He tailgated them and pulled up beside them and yelled at them to pull over.
The Amish Mennonite boys refused to pull over. They kept driving and the black boy kept following them. By that time they were on a 4 lane highway. They came to an exit. At the last second they swerved off but their pursuer managed to also exit.
The two cars continued in this manner for sixty miles. The Amish Mennonite boys were scared to pull over, even though they could have surely beaten up a lone black boy. No one knows why they didn’t pull over, but it may have been due to their belief in the doctrine of Non-Resistance. They also didn’t think of calling the police. According to one Amish Mennonite boy, they would have called the cops but they didn’t know the number.
Finally when they were almost ready to pull over and face their pursuer, the black boy quit chasing the Amish Mennonites. Maybe he ran out of gas, maybe he got tired, or maybe it dawned on him that he couldn’t beat up 4 boys by himself. Breathing sighs of relief, the Amish Mennonite boys pulled into a gas station to relax and buy Mountain Dew. One of the boys went into the bathroom. After he came out another boy went in. He was horrified to see the walls covered with racist graffiti. He immediately suspected his friend was the graffiti artist, but his friend denied it.
No one knows for sure if he did or didn’t do it. But all 4 boys do know it is not smart to wave at a white girl with a black boyfriend. (Contributed by All Martin, Lampeter)
Flying Amishman
5/09/07 - I Was watching your plain news for word of the details on this story I have tidbits of. Way I heard it some smart Amish man from Tennesee got this notion that airplanes are allowed if you fly it with no motor involved. He Takes a lot of Baleing wire, thin strips of lumber from the loft, Some apple crates, I think. He takes Binder canvas and makes flappy things (like the hinder part of the plane and the wings.He makes a huge propeller out of a fine walnut plank he'd saved for yrs. than he hooks it all to a shaft with 4 sets of peddles. So than, After he get's it all together, it looks somewhat like a plane. (A plain plane, though).
So one fine morning after a fine breakfast of corn flakes & Porrige, He orders his 4 skinniest boys out to the cow pasture where the plain plane awaited. He gets all 4 boys strapped in the 4 little milkstool seats.Than he gets up front in that contraption and gets a'hollerin.(The theory is the louder you can holler,the more work gets done).Well would you know,after awhile,with the boys peddling,that thing starts moving real slow like across that cow pasture.whoopiee.Thump,thump thump,the hard rubber wheels go across the dry cow patties.faster and faster and faster..
OL Pop rears back to get a deeper breath to holler louder to the 4 peddle boys,and would you know ,that balances that plane that it takes off the ground smooth as buttermilk,but rather slow ,the way I heard it....”The Flying Amishman,” pop was thinking Proudly,to hisself.''Thats what they'll call me..Yep'' And , You know ,he'd have made it too, the way I heard it,If they hadn't got all tangled up in the English nieghbor's Electric Line wire. What a popping tearing carrying on. Ah well,just these few details may get your reporter to get the full details,and maybe a picture,or at least a drawing of the goings on Out there. (Contributed by Pops W. Abbeyville, SC)
for a picture about this story go back to Home Page
Heart Murmer Stalls Romance
When I was 19 I was an athletic young man who spent his days working and his nights playing sports and chasing females. I fell in love with a girl from Leacock Road and I thought I was going to marry her. We dated for 3 months and I was about to pop the question when something strange happened.
We decided to start holding hands. This had been my goal all along so I was pretty happy about that. But every time I took her sweet hand in mine my heart started doing strange things. It murmered and quaked and I began to shake. Whenever I would stop holding her hand my heart would stop murmering.
I found this very strange. My girlfreind thought it was strange I didn't want to hold her hand. I didn't tell her about my heart murmer, but I went to see a Dr. Epstein about it. I spent awhile in the waiting room with a bunch of old people and then the doctor spent several hours evaluating me and then he told me I have "Hand Holding Induced Heart Syndrome." I thought he was making that disease up, but I found it in a medical journal.
I told my girlfriend about the disease, but she didn't believe me and broke up with me. That was a sad day. Luckily I'm still living, but every time I hold a girl's hand my heart murmers and that is wierd.
Contributed by Alfred Miller, Farmersville.
Ronks Dog Critical After Feline Attack
A Ronks Poodle was in critical condition at Smoketown Animal Hospital after a run in with a roaming pack of cats. According to his owner, Jennifer Jones, the dog ran away on March 24 and although she and her friends spent the next 2 days looking for him, he remained missing.
She put adds in all the local newspapers reporting the loss of the Poodle who's name is Peaches. On March 26 she finally caught a break when she got a call from an anonymous caller reporting that a Poodle was seen in Bird in Hand running away from a pack of cats.
Ms. Jones quickly drove to Bird in Hand where she witnessed a horrifying sight. Peaches was lying on the ground and 13 cats were having their way with him. Jones grabbed a milk jug and jumped out of the car and ran toward the melee. She threw the milk jug into the pack and started kicking the cats.
This action proved to be a life saver as the smell of the milk jug distracted the cats long enough to allow Jones to grab what was left of Peaches and run back to her car.
When the cats realized they had been fooled they imediately turned and ran after Jones and Peaches. A spotted critter managed to sink his teeth into her leg but she used Peaches to beat him away and finally jumped into her car and drove off.
When she managed to catch her breath she looked at Peaches and lost it again because the dog was a mangled mess of blood, fur and dirt. "I just plain couldn't believe it," she said on Monday with tears running down her cheeks. "My poor, precious Peaches was a mess."
She quickly drove him to the Smoketown Animal Hospital where he went into surgery. Now he's doing better, but has a long road to recovery.
As for the cats, they dispersed soon after their attack on Peaches. No one is sure whose they are but it's believed they belong to a number of Bird in Hand residents. Amy Glick, of Bird in Hand, who owns 7 cats and occasionally lets them roam free declined comment when a call was placed to her home. Some residents were afraid the cats might attack humans next. Contributed by Anna Martin, Ronks
Mules Abuse Bulldog
I am an Amish man from Bird-in-Hand. This is a true story. Last summer I had a horse I didn’t want and my brother had a Bulldog he didn’t want, so we traded animals. I soon found out why my brother didn’t want the Bulldog because he was fat and lazy and ate more dog food than a herd of poodles.
One weekend my wife and I went on a trip so I took the overweight Bulldog to my brother’s house. He was supposed to take care of the dog. But he didn’t. My brother’s two Bulldogs and my overweight Bulldog escaped from their pen. My brother’s two dogs waddled around his wife’s garden and smashed flowers, but my overweight bulldog found his way into the neighbor’s pasture.
In the pasture was a herd of lazy mules. The mules were enjoying their Sunday afternoon nap when they awoke to find a canine in their midst. Evidently mules, who are half donkey, decided to have some fun. They got up and formed a circle around the overweight Bulldog. They began walking swiftly around it. The dog just stood there. He was simple. The mules walked faster and faster. Every once in awhile a mule would stop and hoof the Bulldog on the head with his foreleg.
Finally my brother came out of his house and saw the mules in their war formation. He quickly ran out to the field to rescue the overweight Bulldog, but he was too late. The Bulldog was unconscious and he died several hours later.
When I came home I was disappointed to hear my overweight Bulldog was dead, but I didn’t care that much. My brother offered to return my old horse, but I didn’t want him back so I went home and ate a candy bar.
Contributed by Dave (last name withheld), Bird-in-Hand
Horse Angers English Neighbor
One day an Amish man and an English man were fighting because the Amish man's horse went to the bath room where the English man thought he shouldn't have. Actually he didn't go to the bath room but he did what he was supposed to do in the bathroom.
The English man was so mad at the horse he sneaked over to his barn in the middle of the night and threw some Puerta Rican herbs into his feed. After the horse ate the feed he became very nervous. When the Amish man came out to drive him refused to put on his harness. So the Amish man tied him to the buggy with a rope and drove down the road. After awhile the English man came driving along and when he saw the horse he slowed way down and threw a banana peel out the window. It hit the horse between his eyes. The man stopped the buggy and took the banana peel off the horse's head. Then he went home.
That night he went over to the English man's house to slash his truck tires. When he got there he found his horse going to the bathroom where he wasn't supposed to. When he saw that, he laughed very hard and patted his horse on the back and went home.
Contributed by K. Lapp - Kinzers
Buggy Races Are Disturbing
One night Last week I was driving home from a social. It was Saturday night and I was pretty tired. I drove over a hill on Belmont Road south of Intercourse when I was greeted by a strange sight.
Two buggies were parked across the road and two Amish boys were standing there and didn't let me pass. When I asked them what's going on they said it's none of my business. So I turned around and drove back the other way.
Then I got mad. I decided it's not right that they didn't let me pass and I wanted to see what was going on. So I turned back around, parked where the guards couldn't see me and sneaked past them on foot.
Soon I came upon a crowd of Amish boys and girls lining the road. They were looking up the road in anticipation of something so I looked too. Soon I heard a loud racket and then I saw 10 horses and buggies come flying down the road. They were carreening wildly and jockeying for position. The crowd yelled and cheered.
I was stunned by what I was seeing. They were holding a buggy race on a public road! The finish line was right in front of me. The buggies were about 50 feet from the line when one rammed into the lead team and sent it flying into the ditch. The horse also fell over. The 3rd place buggy took this opportunity to pass the 2nd place buggy and win the race.
When the race was over everyone cheered and yelled and the winner collected his winnings. Five girls went up to him and started shaking his hand. It was obvious he was now a celebrity. I quickly sneaked back to my car before anyone could see me and went home.
These Amish children are dumb and the buggy races need to end because they are dangerous to the horses and everyone involved and shouldn't take place on a public road. Contributed by Leonard Miller, Gap.
I HEARD IT ALONG 340 contains questionable stories, gossip, and news heard through the grape vine that may or may not be true. If you have a story please send it to news @birdinhandnews.com and put 340 in the subject line. thankyou
Race Over Lucky Charms
One day an Amish man and a black man were driving to the grocery store. The black man was listening to rap in his pimped out Chevy Impala and the Amish man was smoking a cigar in his 2002 gray and black buggy. It was not pimped out.
When they got to the grocery store they bought a lot of things. The Amish man bought everything on the list his wife had given him and the black man walked around and bought everything that looked good. As fate allowed, they both headed down the cereal aisle at the same time and they both reached for the same box of Lucky Charms at the same time and a black hand and an Amish hand reached the box at the same time. It happened to be on sale and it happened to be the last box of Lucky Charms in the store.
Both men gripped tightly onto the box. The Amish hand had a strong grip from years of gripping a pitch fork and the black man had a strong grip from years of gripping a “slow-stop” sign on a road construction crew.
After about five minutes of gripping the box, both men realized the other wasn’t going to give up. So they looked at each other with disgust. The Amish man stroked his beard and the black man stroked his bald head and they pulled harder on the box, but neither gave way. After another 10 minutes they decided they would have a contest to see who gets the box of Lucky Charms.
They decided to have a short race to see who would get the box of Luckey Charms. They left their full carts of food sitting there and hid the cereal box behind the Wheaties and went out to the parking lot. The black man was chuckling all the way out because he knew his Chevy Impala would beat the Amish man’s horse. He didn’t know the horse was a former racer who almost raced in the Kentucky Derby. He had lost his qualifying race by one second.
The black man quickly called all his “homies” and the Amish man used a pay phone to call all his church brethren and they came to watch the historic race. The race would begin in front of the Sears and end in front of the grocery store, where the winner would claim his box of Lucky Charms. When the black man and his “homies” were celebrating their sure victory over the Amish man and his horse, one of the Amish men did something to the Chevy Impala to slow it down.
The horse and the Impala lined up, one of the black men shot his gun into the air and the race was on. The Impala lurched forward to a quick lead, but the Amish man whacked his horse so hard, it surged past the Impala. In an amazing display of strength, the horse won and the black man and his “homies” stood there in amazement as the Amish man and his church brethern celebrated his victory.
The Amish man went into the store to get his box of Lucky Charms. He also bought a case of Mountain Dew for his friends. The black man was so angry he threw some trash at the buggy and drove away to find another store where he could buy Lucky Charms. (Contributed by
Don't be Mean to Hovel Dwellers
Once upon a time there was an old woman who lived in a hovel somewhere near the Welsh Mountain. According to local legend, the woman had been married and had a litter of children, but due to unknown circumstances she was relegated to living in the hovel with her cat. She supported her wretched existence by handcrafting brooms which she sold to Kitchen Kettle Village.
All the neighbor children were scared of the woman because she lived in a hovel, had a black cat, and was an expert on brooms. Someone started a rumor that the woman was a witch.
The poor old woman was sad because she loved children, but every time she tried to talk to a little tyke or give a little brat some candy, he ran away bawling.
On Halloween, all the children steered clear of the hovel. None of them would ever trick or treat there and she sat inside with a whole bunch of candybars and pop and little chocolate bars. No one ever stopped at her house so she had to eat all the candy by herself so she got very large and her arteries clogged up and she died an untimely death. Her children came from Florida and buried her.
This is a sad story because it shows how some people are judged by their looks and they can't express their inner beauty.
Contributed by Alta Martin, New Holland